On October 2, 2006, the unimaginable happened.  A lone gunman entered the quiet schoolhouse of an Amish community in Pennsylvania and opened fire, killing 4 girls ranging in ages from 6 – 14 before killing himself.  What is almost as unimaginable is the extraordinary forgiveness that was extended by members of the Amish community to the family of the shooter.

In the book “Amish Grace: How forgiveness transcended tragedy” (Kraybill, Nolt, Weaver-Zercher, John Wiley and Sons, 2007) the author explains how the Amish’s act of forgiveness overshadowed the killings. “The grace extended by the Amish surprised the world almost as much as the killing itself.  Indeed, in many respects, the story of Amish forgiveness became the story – the story that trumped the narrative of senseless death (Kraybill, Nolt, Weaver-Zercher, p. 52). 

After reading this book, I realized that the Amish have an advantage.  They live within a culture of forgiveness.  Less than 6 hours after the deadly shooting, members of the Amish community arrived at the shooters home and extended forgiveness to members of the shooter’s family. “The biggest surprise at Nickel Mines was not the intrusion of evil but the Amish response.  The biggest surprise was Amish grace (Kraybill, Nolt, Weaver-Zercher, p. xi).”

So how do we…who live in this narcissistic world of revenge and getting even…how do we, as parents, teach our children about forgiveness?  Is it even possible given our society? Truthfully, I don’t know.  When I first heard of this tragedy, I spouted off words of rage.  I felt cheated that the monster shot himself and thus spared himself from public reaction.  I fantasized about various methods of torture to make him pay, but had difficulty coming up with a punishment that would fit his horrific crime.  You see, I saw my children, standing in that schoolhouse, full of fear and confusion, and I was enraged.

It was difficult for me to get a handle on the Amish response.  My feelings were mixed.  A part of me truly admired them and their capacity to forgive.  Another part of me simply didn’t buy it.  I didn’t believe that they were sincere.  However, after reading “Amish Grace” and having the privilege of interviewing Dr. Donald Kraybill, one of the three authors of the book, my perspective has changed.  The Amish exist in a culture of forgiveness.  They believe that forgiveness is a prerequisite of faith and that if forgiveness is not extended,  it cannot be received from God. 

This culture is difficult to replicate in our current society. “We need to construct cultures that value and nurture forgiveness.  In their own way, the Amish have constructed such an environment.  The challenge for the rest of us is to use our resources creatively to shape cultures that discourage revenge as a first response” (Kraybill, Nolt, Weaver-Zercher, p. 182).

As with most life lessons, this practice begins in the home.  One of the first things parents can do is to teach their children what forgiveness IS NOT.  It is not pretending that the wrong didn’t occur.  It is not forgetting what happened.  It is not excusing or condoning the actions.  Instead, it is overcoming the resentment and offering the offender compassion and love.

 Still, that’s a tall order when given the level of calamity that occurred in Nickel Mines.  But it can be practiced, on a smaller level.  By redirecting our child who grabs a block to whap a brother in the face for taking his action figure;  by encouraging our kids to say they’re sorry when they hurt someone else’s feelings;  and, most importantly, by teaching through your example.  It’s up to us to hold our tongues when we get cut off in the carpool lane, or when our husbands forget to take out the trash AGAIN, or when mother-in-law complains about our meat loaf.  It is how we manage those situations that determine how our children will react to transgressions.  The Amish bring this point home.  “Their practices do not make forgiveness easy or painless; they do, however, make forgiveness not simply an option but an enduring expectation.”

Paige McCoy Smith is the Not-So-Perfect Parent, appearing Mondays and Wednesdays on "Good Morning Texas."   E-mail o8sis