Dear Tony,

I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. We are older and have grown children from previous marriages. My children don't live at home anymore, but he has a 24-year-old son that still lives at home and goes to college part-time and works part-time. He has a daughter living in another city going to college.

A year ago, his ex-wife committed suicide, and he has had the sole responsibility for caring for his children. He was before, as his ex-wife had problems (bitter divorce after 22 years of marriage) and was always making promises to the kids but never coming through or causing more of a financial burden for their father. I admire the fact that he has stuck to his promise of seeing that his kids get a college education.

We hit a rough patch in December as I am ready for a commitment. He told me that he is not happy with his kids and the way that they treat him. His son comes in from work and expects dinner on the table and it is always a meal that has been ordered by his son; always foods that he likes and wants. The son then grills his father on what chores his father did that day and what else needs to be done around the house all the while sitting on his you-know-what watching television. He totally supports these two kids, even though they have part-time jobs. His pays for his daughter's apartment and all of her utilities. He pays for both of their living expenses such as gas, insurance, groceries, etc. All the kids have to pay for is their partying. This man has not had a new/newer vehicle since 1993. His daughter and I used to be really close; however, her mother made her feel really guilty about our relationship and repeatedly told her that I was the reason for the divorce, even though I did not meet her Dad until the day the divorce was final. Now when his daughter is home from college, she makes me feel very unwelcome and tries to make any attention from her Dad a competition. I don't play into that game and just excuse myself to go home or make other plans.

The man that I am seeing told me that he is committed to our relationship and that he has thought of us possibly having a future together. I have told him on a few occasions that I love him, but I never get a response. He says he is leery of saying those three little words and that he feels that actions speak louder. He says he cares very deeply for me. He is right there when I need him or if I need anything done. He offers to run my errands and help with my household chores since I have a very demanding job and he only works every third day (firefighter).

My question is: Am I wasting my time and fooling myself that I have a future with this man? My girlfriends and kids (which, my kids just love him to death) say that I just need to be patient until he gets his kids out of school. His daughter graduates in 2008 and has a job already in the area, so she will be living at home for a while. His son, I'm afraid, will never leave home because he refuses to do anything for himself; he won't do his own laundry, cook his own meals, or even stop at the grocery store if his Dad asks him to. So why leave home?

I am turning 50 this year and would love to share the rest of my life with him. I am tired of going to bed by myself and waking up by myself. We have a great time together and never run out of conversation. We sit down to watch television or a movie, but end up deep in conversation and miss what we intended to watch. After all of this time, we still haven't run out of conversation, which is something I treasure. We communicate very well and if an argument is on the horizon, we can stop and talk about and resolve the issue. What do I do? I need a man's perspective on this. His family and friends ask why I have put up with this for so long and have pretty much quit coming around because of his kids and the way his kids treat him/me. Please help. I desperately need your advice.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and respond.

Sincerely,

Looking for a future