We all make mistakes. And if we are mature enough, we are able to see those mistakes, learn from them and grow. But seeing them is rarely easy or welcome - it can chip away at our ego, erode our confidence, and if it is a big enough deal, shake our core belief system. When a friend, a husband, a life-partner, a sister, sees our mistakes and points them out it’s not always the easiest pill to swallow. So often times in order to spare a loved one’s feelings we sugar coat things, thinking that if we can let someone live blissfully unaware of the very faults that we see within them, then we will spare their feelings, save their ego, and when the shoe’s on the other foot, hopefully they’ll return the favor.

Now I do believe in staying out of the fray, so to speak. Outside of this column, I try to not offer unsolicited advice (I am not always successful, and this is something I continue to work on.) Sometimes people do just want to vent and don’t require or desire an opinion or interjection. Live and let live and don’t make someone else’s bag your own.

But when asked, I think it is our obligation to be honest tempered with tenderness. Don’t butcher your friend with brutal honesty. But if they are asking, you can’t be afraid to tell them the truth - we inherently surround ourselves with people who care about us for a reason. But at the same time, if we are the ones asking for the opinion, we are obligated to provide an environment conducive to honesty. If you don’t want to hear the answer, then you really shouldn’t be asking the question.

In my experiences, I have noticed that girlfriends operate with a “pack” mentality. You wrong one and you wrong them all. I would imagine there is something very comforting in that bond of sisterhood. I suppose us men operate similarly, albeit to a much lesser degree. But I think one of the trappings of such a sorority of common goals and common interests might be affirmation of potentially harmful behaviors or attitudes. I’ve listened to girlfriends of mine support another friend’s crazy assumptions about the man she was dating, and even crazier behavior. When I gave the dissenting opinion, I was promptly flashed a hostile look, upon which I quickly retreated.

As a male with many female friends, I am often on the outside of popular opinion. I have a different perspective on many things, sometimes right and sometimes wrong. But I do try to be honest - not to be difficult, but out of genuine concern for my friends and their happiness. While I do not doubt my friend’s concern (the one casting me the not-so-nice look), was she giving our other friend what she really needed at the time? Is it possible that we take support of a friend to an unhealthy extreme? When it comes down to it, does solidarity do more harm than good?

I think there are a few guidelines we can go by, to not only show our loved ones the support they need but also offer them encouragement and our genuine opinions when that is in fact what they are requesting. First and foremost know when someone actually wants your opinion. A lot of times people just want us to listen. Be a trusted confidant and give them their space without making their problems your own. If they do ask for your counsel, then give it to them. Just make sure you are truthful and forthcoming. Deliver the news with kindness and empathy if your own experiences allow, but remember you’re doing nobody any good if all you are doing is telling them what they want to hear. And all of us need to remember, if you’re afraid of what the answer might be or will react negatively towards it, just don’t ask the questions.

Every other Thursday, Just Friends explores the bonds between gay men and straight women.   E-mail o8sis