You have probably felt it, even if it didn’t have a name. Call it intuition, a hunch, a nagging suspicion. You’ve seen that guy and thought to yourself, “man, he’s good looking, but I don’t see him with a woman. Is he…no, surely he isn’t…well maybe…you know what, I think he might be gay!”

While you won’t find it in Webster’s just yet, what you have had been experiencing all along actually has a name – gaydar. Gaydar is more intuition than science, more theory than law. It is a gut assumption that is made about another person’s sexuality. While it might seem ridiculous and maybe even a little unfair that you can presuppose a person’s gayness by just being around them, don’t dismiss the notion too hastily. Gaydar can be quite useful.

Now, there are certainly those who admonish the idea of guessing someone’s sexuality based on their outward and obvious behaviors. This isn’t meant to be a discussion of stereotypes – instead I will suggest that having gaydar really isn’t picking up on stereotypes at all but is instead recognition of barely perceptible nuances that are shared by a group of people with common interests and life experiences. I think there is a difference.

These nuances don’t rely on clothing, animated and exaggerated gestures, or well-pronunciated words (those would be stereotypes.) Instead these nuances are found in quick, subtle glances, carefully chosen words and body language. It is subtle and to a lot of people indiscernible. But to those who have it, who have the ability to pick up on it, it is very real - not to mention pretty helpful!

So why does any of this even matter? Well first of all, not all gay people are out or are comfortable with being out. Being gay for some, maybe most, isn’t easy. Sometimes you can feel very alone. Finding another who has been where you’ve been, who can understand where you are, or can feel what you feel is a very comforting thing. When the gaydar goes off, and you exchange that knowing glance with someone else, the world can all of a sudden seem a little smaller.

As our friends and straight allies, your gaydar is almost as important as ours. Everyone likes to play matchmaker from time to time. You have to be able to sort out the straight from the gay in order to do that successfully. We never know who we’re going to meet and where or for what reason. With finely tuned gaydar your casual encounter with a strapping beau at the coffee shop, carrying a copy of The Kite Runner , could turn into the love of your gay friend’s life. Extreme? Yes. But stranger things can happen.

As long as we live in a world where groups are still pushed to the fringes, those groups will always find a certain measure of comfort knowing that they have company, that they are not alone. As our friends, your gaydar will improve every day. You will start to pick up on some of those subtle clues that most would never see. I should know, my partner's best girlfriend encouraged him to call me – all based on a hunch.

Every other Thursday, Just Friends explores the bonds between gay men and straight women.   E-mail o8sis